speech

a couple of important events have happened.

firstly, Mark's birthday. He's never been one to celebrate his own birthday, that all requires effort.

Suffice to say, most of mark's birthday was spent at karls house. We watched stuff on telly and DVD, had a few cups of tea and a bit of a smoke. All in all quite a sedate celebration of Mark's 25th birthday.

Next up, my birthday. Festivities started on the sunday evening, when a large number of my friends were invited round for drinks. All those who mattered turned up (apart from some but i'll get to that nearer the end), everyone mingled quite nicely with eachother

i did get a bit worked up by the fact that Karl and Paul were displaying, in my opinion, stupid acts of male bravado. this was underpinned by two obnoxiuous drunks going by the name of Andy and James. Loud and surly are not nice ways to see your own birthday in. they all were mostly harmless but it was a bit unnerving

The day after was my actual birthday. A pleasant affair. i went for lunch with Viki at McCoy's after a few hours rest, i made my way to the lamp for drinks. I was joined by Paul, Mireille, Viki and Claire. NOT all of the important ones arrived. i smoked on my birthday, which was disappointing because i hadnt in weeks, but necessary because i was quite upset by someones actions. heres the deal.

I am very angry and upset at by best friend. i put in lots of actual physical effort to ensure i get to see him, at least once a week. He on the other hand will not make any at all. he will not get out of his house and make the effort to come and see me (he's been to my the house i live in now once in 9 months).
He did not turn up on my birthday. He hasnt done for the past four years. He chose to go to steve's, he said he could'nt make it. i didnt want to stop and listen to why he couldnt make it, i was to angry and if i'd have taken the conversation further, i'd have probably got upset or said something i might have regretted later. i dont believe that there was anything that made him physically incapable of coming to see me on my birthday.

In his defence he may have helped me out as far as money and other such favours in the past four or five years, but that does not mean you dont have to put the legwork and it does'nt make my frustration any less. i am furious with him for it and disappointed in him for it.

don't look back in anger...

...in fact dont look back at all. keep on moving. its better in the long run.

The issue of me walking away from from aggressive debate has been raised more than once in the last 3 days.

i feel it's better for me to walk away because:

• i dont like my demeanor in a heated state
• i dont want say or take any action i know i will regret later

"walking away" does manifest itself as putting the phone down abruptly. if that is seen to be childish, fine. if it did'nt go that way all the other party would get is angry abuse and it would be silly to want it to go that way.

Stopping and making amends is the most correct way to go about it, but in the moment my savage pride will not budge and those who i have issue with; i dont feel i have ever been seen by them to be sincere, competent, sensible, clever enough or a good person and dont believe they will believe me. i cannot honestly say thats the attitude they want or mean to promote but that is how they make me feel.

this can be seen as unconnected to my original point but this is how i have felt for a long while now. why not air it.

friends do struggle with me at times, i can make it difficult for people as much as the next man, but some have put time in to sort the wheat from the chaff eddie wise. i believe some have'nt.

Stuffed Monkey Rule!!!!

Last nights performance at the Adelphi went down rather well.

Dan and i performed 3 new songs. We got on relatively early so we were'nt all tied up about getting on stage. My peformance, i feel, was ok. others thought otherwise.

A lovely, lovely woman (who's name i regretably did not get) told me how she liked how we sounded and it was nice to hear music for the sake of music. and she liked the lyrics for the songs. which was nice.

A foreign guy also came up to me and commented on how we held a good steady rhythm. i was grinning lots when i left the adelphi.

That Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kid....

I watched Tommy last Thursday. It was absolutely awesome. In my life so far, i've considered Evita and Little shop of horrors to be great film musicals. Ok, Tommy is a rock opera but as films-with-music-in are concerned Tommy has wee wee'd all over them from a great height.

I dare say that The Who's musical input is what makes it. It made sense of why i liked pinball wizard so much, it clicked that it was Elton john (who rocked in his day) backed by the who. Quite a rockin' combo.

The film has left me with a couple of feelings i just cant shake off. i know im going to have to watch it again to exorcise these. I've told everyone in my house (at least the ones that are'nt annoying me right now) that we to watch it saturday night while high on my special biscuits.

went out with Mireille on Friday night. Mireille is a bit odd, i dont get her.

She quite clearly wanted to go out. i told her i was'nt planning on going out but maybe would if she could rally the troops. she then rang me so that i would ask her if she wanted to go out AND she already knew that others wouldnt be available to go out anyway.

Anyhoo, i dragged paul out (he smoked that night, im still winning at not smoking) to lamp to meet mireille. at about twelve mireille piped up "so, were not going to spiders then" in a "i want to go to spiders" kind of way. suffice to say we ended up in spiders, entirely on mireille's whim i feel.
Nobody can say no to her, its because she's too nice. The fact that she's too nice makes it impossible to tell her anything that might be considered real (for want of a better word).
i think she should be told that she is attractive, and intelligent and worth having around and it would be nice to get annoyed at her but cant. Ultimately, i just dont know how much of people and the world she understands. Thats why i dont get her, yet at the same time it makes her so intirguing. A puzzle i'd like to solve.

before i leave i'd like to mention the fact that the Gadget Shop has gone into Administration. We're all a bit worried around these parts, especially regarding our jobs. i think abandoning this sinking ship is the only way....

Monk On...

Andy beat me, like, a million - 0.

not a good day for football

Plates of Magic....

My my my, what an interesting few days. For me anyway. Just carry on reading and you might agree.

First of all there was the fun bit.

Andy's birthday happened (03/03/05). The night went swimmingly as far as I'm concerned.

We met in dirty nelly's, the quaint oirish pub in the old town. Faces of note were Matty Brown (with Ted and Lee in tow) Mireille (she's gonna get her own journal entry), James (get to see him intermittently) Kim & Ian, and Andy's Uni friend Demitris. Along with the usual crowd, quite an joyous turn out in my opinion.

After the initial pint in dirty Nelly's, we upped sticks and ventured to hitchcocks, A rather impressive vegetarian restaurant also located in the old town. the buffet offered indian dishes the night we were in, although some members of our party wanted (and got) meditteranean food. I quite wisely avoided the Vindaloo and opted for more of the rice and potato based dishes. it were dead yummy.

As is tradition, Vic and I ate a chili each in honour of Andy's birthday. We were joined in this by Dimitris, who seemed to be the one most affected by the chili. The chili's seemed to be quite tame compared to previous years.

By the time dessert was ready to serve, i was fit ti burst. but i still managed a plate full of pecan pie and mint ice scream. Simon went back or more and regretted it.

back to nelly's for last orders. simon had a cigarrette, making me the winner of not smoking.

We ended the night in welly. I, among others, danced my tits off. even mireille had a bit of a boogie. twas a corking night.

Then we got home...........

In summary, Paul said something simon didnt agree with. Simon explained himself then set off to be bed.
Paul had a bit more of a whinge, simon asked paul if he could keep it down Paul said "something". Simon slammed the door, paul shouted at simon, simon came in taking quite an aggressive stance. Paul reciprocated. i stepped into the middle to make sure these two tits didnt get physical.

i dont wanna talk about it loads. it was an act of drunken idiocy in part and common or garden idiocy in others. fools, both of em.

After all that, i've done some of my special baking, got stoned and watched 'fear of a black hat' on saturday, as well as the end of 'Bill & Ted's bogus Journey'

Gav and rosie had a wee soiree on monday night for gav's birthday. we got lots stoned on my biscuits and watched team america. lots fun.

i got Andy coming round to mine tonight for some pro-evo action. i'll post the results soon.

i got 38 on the Dr Phil test.....

i spent some quality time with claire last night.

i spent time telling her what i really thought. it didnt come to blows, everything i expresed was taken and assessed in the adult manner i've come to expect of Claire.

Although i have managed to express what i thought i never could, i have to add that i've put too much thought into who she is as a person and how she goes about her business.

i still stand by what i said about not wanting to step in anymore. how she deals with stuff is entirely her own battle. this isnt a case of leaving her unaided, more that she is braver and stronger then she gives herself credit for. we dont NEED eachother and never have.

claire is only human and aint got anymore on her plate then then the next man. its because of how she affected some emotionally that there has been strong reaction to her actions.

im not sorry for what i've written about her in the past, its a clear reflection of how i felt at the time, but i think its only fair that this reassessment of my thoughts be aired.

im gonna rib her now and again for that whole cold shoulder affair, but she will not be permanantly chastised. Non of my friends deserve that.